


If It Makes You Happy

by orphan_account



Category: Glee
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, F/F, Not Canon Compliant, psa: cheating is bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23368153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Being back in that building was giving Quinn a lot of conflicting feelings. She stood by the open window of Sue’s old office, hers now, and surveyed the room. She had spent so much time in here, crying, laughing, pleading with her coach and standing up to her in the next breath. On one hand, it felt as though nothing had changed since she was sixteen. On the other, it felt as though nothing had changed since she was sixteen. Comforting, but stifling. Back in Ohio, back at McKinley. She had aspired to so much more, promised herself so many times that she’d never look back. Then again, if she hadn’t agreed to take over from Sue she wouldn’t be standing with her back against the wall, cigarette in hand, in that moment. Wouldn’t have felt her chest constrict as Rachel Berry rounded the corner.(Inspired by Dare Me, except minus the murder.)
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	If It Makes You Happy

Being back in that building was giving Quinn a lot of conflicting feelings. She stood by the open window of Sue’s old office, hers now, and surveyed the room. She had spent so much time in here, crying, laughing, pleading with her coach and standing up to her in the next breath. On one hand, it felt as though nothing had changed since she was sixteen. On the other, it felt as though  _ nothing had changed _ since she was sixteen. Comforting, but stifling. Back in Ohio, back at McKinley. She had aspired to so much more, promised herself so many times that she’d never look back. Then again, if she hadn’t agreed to take over from Sue she wouldn’t be standing with her back against the wall, cigarette in hand, in that moment. Wouldn’t have felt her chest constrict as Rachel Berry rounded the corner.

“I heard you were back!” There was a grin plastered across her face as she strode over to Quinn, enveloping her in a hug. 

“Mhm, can’t say the same. What are you  _ doing  _ here?” The image of Rachel Berry still roaming the halls of McKinley High after all these years were almost laughable. She had been out to make the girl’s life hell for so long, and yet she always looked back with only fondness. Quinn wished she had that outlook on life. Rachel stepped back, brows furrowing as she answered the question with a question. 

“Here, Ohio, or here, McKinley? Anyway, my dad has taken it upon himself to become a somewhat silent benefactor at the school, with  _ very  _ little emphasis on the word ‘silent’ — ”

“In your family? I’m shocked.” Quinn smirked, bringing the cigarette back up to her lips. Rachel shot her a look, eyebrow raised. 

“Very funny, Quinn. But really, he’s been very involved in homecomings, graduations and the likes. It’s nice that he has something he’s passionate about, except now I’ve been pulled in to give a talk to some extremely promising young musicians.” Rachel didn’t seem convinced that they were extremely promising, given her tone, but she didn’t give Quinn a chance to question. “Speaking of, that’s very bad for your vocal chords.” She nodded towards the cigarette, mouth settling into a frown.

“I don’t sing anymore.” Quinn shrugged, returning the challenging expression.

“Alright, it’s very bad for  _ my  _ vocal chords.” She took two further steps away from Quinn, smoothing down her dress. It was her unchanged mannerisms that pulled Quinn’s lips into a smile as she shook her head. 

“I hate you,” she said, but there was nothing but amusement in her voice. 

“No, you don’t.” Rachel argued confidently, “You’re the only person from glee club that responded to my holidays email.” Yes, Quinn had responded. After spending far too long poring over the attached photos  - perfectly posed family shots and a few backstage ones, Rachel beaming front and center in each one  \-  Quinn had racked her mind for the highlights of her own year, attaching pictures of herself with husband and baby, props to show how  _ definitely  _ happy she was. They represented the same things her cheerios uniform once had.

“Not even Kurt?”

“Kurt told me in a very strongly worded text to stop including him in emails recounting things he was mostly present for.” Quinn laughed at that, putting out the cigarette and shuffling forward to limit the distance between them. 

When she looked in the mirror, Quinn constantly made note of the things that had changed. The lines that didn’t fade when she stopped frowning, and the way weight on her body had shifted since giving birth again. Yet when she looked at Rachel, all she noticed were the many ways she seemed unchanged by the years. The same nervousness constantly hiding behind her expression when they spoke, the outward composure, everything that had once irritated her but she now found she yearned for. 

“How long are you in town for?” 

“Just over a month. I have a few things booked to combat the post-happy-trails boredom, but my homework is to relax.” 

“That homework from Professor St. James?” She teased. Last she had heard (in Rachel’s annual roundup email), Jesse was teaching. Not something she’d have thought he was cut out for, but it was going  _ wonderfully _ , if Rachel’s email was to be believed. She flushed at that, batting a hand at Quinn as she avoided eye contact, looking around for a new topic of conversation. Her eyes fell back to the ashtray beside Quinn. 

“Since when do you smoke, anyway?” 

Quinn dragged her fingertips across her desk, thinking for a moment. “Underneath the bleachers, my hair was pink.” A laugh, followed by a shake of the head. “God, I looked a mess!”

“Never.” Rachel protested, catching Quinn’s eye. “Sure, it was  _ different _ , but you still looked so…” She hesitated, the next word stuck at the tip of her tongue. What Quinn wouldn’t give to hear it. 

There was something about the brunette, an innate ability to get Quinn riled up. She felt like a predator as she stared Rachel down, daring her to continue. Rachel had paid her many compliments before, Quinn had the majority of them memorised, so why the reluctance now? When they’d been at school this feeling, drawing her close to Rachel, had mostly resulted in insults, arguments, and then had twisted into something different. She had never been able to put her finger on it, or to admit to herself what she knew it really was. 

But now, she stepped into Rachel’s space, distracted by the smell of her perfume, and the statement still unfinished. 

“So… what?”

“Quinn, you don’t need me to tell you how people here worshipped you.” Perhaps not, but it was still nice to hear, coming from Rachel’s lips.

Before Quinn could let her old emotions bubble up unchecked any longer, there was a knock at the door. She could have cursed, almost like she  _ wanted  _ to say something that she knew she’d regret. In walked a cheerleader, uniform the same as Quinn’s had been, but hair piled up on her head with striped ribbons instead of a tight pony. The girl looked between Rachel and Quinn, obviously concerned she’d interrupted an important conversation.

“Coach, I was just wondering —” Rachel took the opportunity to lift a hand into a wave as she excused herself from the room, mouthing ‘talk later’ as she did. Quinn tried not to take out her unfounded frustrations on the girl, running a hand through her carefully curled blonde hair and forcing a smile. 

* * *

  
  


The following week, Rachel showed up at lunch with coffee. When she set the two cups down on Quinn’s desk, the blonde told herself that she’d be casual this time. 

“Don’t you think it’s strange that just anybody can walk into the school?” She grinned up at her, ignoring the way the morning’s tensions were already leaving her shoulders in Rachel’s presence. 

“I’m not just anybody, Quinn, I’m fairly certain that I’m McKinley’s only alumni with a Tony, not to brag.” Rachel shrugged and feigned embarrassment, at which Quinn chuckled. 

“That’s true, very true. Well, to what do I owe the pleasure, Rachel?”

Rachel was definitely embarrassed by  _ that _ , clearly not having considered that she’d need a reason to show up at Quinn’s place of work to drink coffee together. Quinn could see her mentally scrambling for an answer before apparently drawing a blank and shrugging nonchalantly. “I just wanted to see you.” 

And with that, all of the feelings Quinn had told herself were just a fluke returned to the surface. Her grip tightened on the coffee cup, nodding and pretending to listen as Rachel recounted her morning. Something about inspiring a community theater group, and looking through old pictures. She’d wanted to see Quinn. For the first time? Probably, the blonde reasoned. She was away from her husband, and Kurt, and all of her closest friends. If she was going to long for anybody, it would be them. Unlike Quinn, she had probably not spent the last week catching herself thinking about the other woman. There were only so many times that Quinn could brush it off by finding some nearby star sticker or poster to pretend had triggered the thought. 

“Are you listening to me?” Rachel asked, hurt written across her face. “I can come another time, if you’re busy.” 

“No! No, no. I’m listening, promise. I’m all yours.” To show how attentive she would be, Quinn rested her elbows on her desk, chin on her hands. The smile returned to Rachel’s face, leading to a wave of relief for Quinn. 

“Well, I was just saying that your girls are very good. I had the chance to see them on Friday.” She hadn’t seen Rachel at the game. Not that she’d looked. 

“Well, they’re… intense.” Both eyebrows raised at that, and Quinn pulled her phone back towards her. Five notifications since Rachel had arrived. She knew she’d regret giving the girls her number. “Good though, yes. One I have my eye on, especially. Rises above the rest.” 

“There’s always one.” Rachel’s voice was soft, and when Quinn looked up her dark eyes bore into Quinn’s. “Is she captain, too?” Quinn ignored whatever the pull at her stomach was, focusing on the question. 

“No captain. I wasn’t… These girls don’t have anything else in their lives. Cheering was never the highlight of my day,” The eye contact was too strong for the pause that accompanied it. “Glee club was.” Quinn clarified, happy to have the distraction of her phone.

“Not that you’d have admitted that often.” If Rachel was feeling the same things Quinn was, she was doing a better job of hiding them. 

“There was a lot that I was afraid to admit then.” Too truthful, too personal. She almost had the urge to text Santana something mean about Rachel being back in town. But she was past that, they both were. Friends, now. 

“High school is a difficult time.” 

“Mhm. Anyway…” Quinn was clearly ready to change the topic of conversation, but provided no new topic, hopeful that Rachel would fill the silence the way she was known for. 

“How’s Matt? And the baby?” 

“Standing, now! She’ll be walking any day.” It was a neutral topic, but she still had to resist the urge to roll her eyes at the mention of her husband. She couldn’t, or rather wouldn’t, put her finger on why Rachel bringing him up was so irritating to her. 

They continued to make small talk, laughing as they shared memories, until Rachel caught sight of the clock and realised that she’d been keeping Quinn for over an hour. She apologised, commented on how time flies and stood to leave. Quinn all but flew up from her seat, stepping around the desk to hug Rachel goodbye. 

Rachel had no intentions beyond catching up with an old friend, and yet the thought of her leaving again like that felt like such a missed opportunity to Quinn. There was so much within her that she had failed to express, so much that she had thought and failed to act upon. She couldn’t be certain that Rachel shared her feelings, but the way she flushed as Quinn challenged her, and the intensity behind her gaze was enough to fuel Quinn’s questionable decisions. 

Both women were happily married. And yet the same force that seemed to make it impossible for Quinn to not tease her, shove her, obsess over Rachel in high school told her that she needed that contact. A hug wasn’t cutting it, but nor would a fight work. It wouldn’t be true to say that Quinn had spent the past decade imagining the way Rachel’s lips would feel against her own, but neither would it be true to say that she’d  _ never  _ thought about it, and as Rachel pulled back from the hug, their cheeks grazed. Quinn thought about it once more, and couldn’t find it within herself not to act. 

Her movements were tentative, fingers reaching up towards Rachel’s elbows to keep her close as her head tilted ever so slightly. Quinn’s eyelashes fluttered as her eyes closed, lips almost brushing against Rachel’s. She could feel her breath, felt it hitch as she finally interpreted Quinn’s movements. Time seemed to cease passing until Rachel turned her head away. 

“Quinn,” Her voice was low, almost a whisper. “You’re..” Rachel swallowed, unable to finish her sentiment. 

“A very pretty girl,” Quinn murmured, imitating the way Rachel had said it years ago. The confusion was evident, and her frustration grew. “That’s what you said to me. I thought about it a lot.” Did Rachel really not remember?

“I know, I just…” Quinn made eye contact, waiting. “We’re not in high school anymore, Quinn. Or in college..” Rachel motioned awkwardly at that, and Quinn didn’t bother to ask what she meant by that. Instead, she focused on the fact that Rachel hadn’t mentioned the fact that they were both married. As long as it remained unsaid, Quinn took that as permission to continue. 

“Tell me you’ve never thought about it.” A perfectly raised eyebrow, a look she had perfected very early, a gift from her mother. Rachel buckled easily, looking down.

“Well, I…” The next time Quinn’s lips neared hers, Rachel made no move to stop her. Her eyes closed as Quinn’s did and she leaned into the kiss. 

* * *

  
  


Once that flood wall was broken, there seemed to be no stopping it. 

Dropping in for coffee turned into meeting for coffee in the next town over. Coffee turned into dinner, which quickly turned into room service at hotels. In the beginning, Quinn’s husband had been receptive to the change in her behaviour, pleased that she seemed happier, attributing it to her new job. But excuses piled up, and his enthusiasm deteriorated. Still, Quinn’s thoughts so quickly moved to Rachel that she couldn’t find it in herself to worry about it. Every song on the radio reminded her of her new lover, and she found herself wearing dresses that she otherwise saved for special occasions, on the off-chance that she’d run into her. 

It was beautiful until it went too far. 

“I’m going back to New York next week.” Rachel was sitting at the edge of the latest hotel bed, reaching down to the floor where her underwear had been discarded. Quinn had barely gotten her breath back, and suddenly it seemed far from her again. 

“So soon?” 

“It was always a month, Quinn.” Her tone was flat, but her features betrayed Rachel as she looked over her shoulder guiltily. 

“Has it really been that long?” It felt like yesterday that she was daring herself to kiss Rachel, knowing that she’d regret it if she didn’t, forever wondering what it would have been like. But was this really better? Knowing exactly how good it could be, and having to give it up again?

“I don’t want us to end this on bad terms.” Her voice was full and sincere, and Quinn sat up to try and reassure her that they wouldn’t. She wanted to say that it would be fine. They’d both known what they were getting into. Except that what she  _ really  _ wanted to say was ‘stay’.

“A month.” Quinn pondered, forcing her mind away from those thoughts before she made a fool of herself. “One twelfth of the year. Wonder if I’ll make it into your holidays email.” Rachel didn’t seem amused by that, pursing her lips, but it sent Quinn’s thoughts on a tangent. “Take a picture with me.” 

“What?” Now it was Rachel’s turn to feel caught in the headlights, unsure if Quinn was being serious. If she had any doubts about that, they were answered by the blonde reaching for her phone, swiping to activate the front camera. 

“Please. Something to remember this by.” A question of trust. The stakes were just as high for Quinn as they were for Rachel. She had no reason to believe that there was any malice behind the request, and yet couldn’t help but feel nervous. Seeing her hesitance, Quinn locked her phone once more, looking forlorn. In the beginning, she had thought that the element of secrecy, all of the sneaking around was what drove Quinn, what turned her on about all of this. Now it felt more. Rachel reached across to pick up Quinn’s phone, swallowing and hoping that her voice would be even when she spoke. 

“Come on, then. I want it nice and tasteful.” Quinn smiled softly at that, looking up at the phone and leaning into Rachel as the other altered the frame to meet her ‘tasteful’ requirements. The scent of Rachel’s shampoo filled her nose, and she leaned into it. That was probably the last time they were going to be together like that. Sure, Rachel wasn’t going back to New York until the following week, but anything after that would just hurt. They made eye contact.  _ That  _ hurt. Still so much unsaid. Quinn wanted to tell Rachel that she loved her, but what was the point?

The last time that they kissed, Rachel was leaning over her, hands cupping Quinn’s face. It was desperate and messy, and neither was willing to end it. When they eventually did, both dressed while avoiding the gaze of the other. They walked to the front of the hotel, fake smiles plastered on, and niceties exchanged with the lady on the front desk. 

The fresh air hit Quinn and she felt a wave of nausea. Her mind was racing with things she wanted to say to Rachel, none of which she could actually say. She fought the urge to reach out and grab her hand. She’d remember this, and regret it. But prolonging the goodbye would only make it worse. Rachel did reach out, though. 

She hugged Quinn in a way that would seem casual, friendly, appropriate, to passers-by. Despite herself, Quinn’s fingers clung to her jacket, unwilling to let her go. Rachel’s absence was noted by every inch of Quinn’s body the moment she stepped away. 

“We’ll talk again soon.” Rachel promised too loudly, though Quinn doubted that was true. She nodded though, unable to respond verbally. If she opened her mouth to speak, her voice would tremble. Rachel’s face would transform from composure to pity and Quinn would crack, and cry. It wasn’t an option. She pressed a chaste kiss to Rachel’s cheek before the other backed away, still smiling and waving as she walked to her car. 

When Quinn made it back to her own car on shaky legs, her fingers gripped hard onto the steering wheel. If she’d thought that she was in love with Rachel Berry during their senior year, she knew that she was now. And she’d have to go on with her life knowing that, unable to do anything about it. She’d go on wondering if Rachel felt the same way she did, fishing for any scrap of information when she spoke with Kurt. She’d look back on the photo they’d taken together when she was alone, wondering if it had been worth it. And she’d spend all of December impatiently awaiting Rachel’s email so that she had an excuse to talk to her. 


End file.
